Premium
In marriage, you either shape up or ship out
As parents, we are continually designing our children’s templates for marriage, through our actions, words, and attitudes.
“I left an abusive marriage for the sake of my children.” This is not a common phrase, instead, what we hear people saying is, “I am putting up with cruelty – for the sake of my children. I don’t want my children to grow up in a broken family.”
Then we go ahead and create horrible experiences for the children, by how we treat each other. Children absorb the most profound lessons about life from their parents. As parents, we are continually designing our children’s templates for marriage, through our actions, words, and attitudes. How we treat their mother or father becomes a blueprint of how they will treat their respective spouses.
Children do not listen, they observe. They see and hear, and tuck away in their memory banks, for later application. That is why they will not learn about relationships or marriage from attending lectures or pre-marital counselling, rather, from us, their parents or primary caregivers. The way we interact with our spouses teaches them what love, respect, and commitment look like. If they witness kindness, compromise, and affection, they are more likely to expect and seek those qualities in their relationships. If, on the other hand, they observe frequent conflict, neglect, or disrespect, they may unconsciously adopt those dynamics as their norm.
For a long time, we were taught that children should only see us playing ‘happy couple’ and not arguing. “Take the fights to the bedroom.” But children must witness a healthy way of dealing with conflict, as long as mutual respect is demonstrated. While the deep argument and difficult conversation can be handled away from them – do not take them to the bedroom, please, let them occasionally observe how you argue about that furniture placement. Let them get to understand the art of negotiation and compromise, by observing it in action from you.
The habits we establish—how we handle disagreements, express appreciation, and support one another—become embedded in their subconscious. This is why it is critical to be aware of what we are teaching them, not only in moments of happiness but also during times of stress and difficulty.
Our children should see us treating our spouses as equals, valuing their opinions, and honouring their individuality. Respectful disagreements, where both partners listen and respond thoughtfully rather than with hostility, show children that conflicts can be resolved without aggression or resentment. Children also observe how we demonstrate love and affection. Affectionate gestures, kind words, and simple acts of love communicate to children that marriage should be a source of joy and companionship. Holding hands, hugging, and expressing appreciation not only strengthen the bond between spouses but also reinforce the idea that love should be nurtured and celebrated.
During the Gen-Z uprising last year, the expression, ‘The only thing I fear is marriage’ gained traction as they waved placards. We have been horrible role models to this generation. We have normalised abusing their parents, infidelity is no longer frowned upon, and moral decay in marriage is so commonplace that the Gen-Z have extremely few role models in their homes, to attract them to marriage.
We as parents must shape up or ship out of this marriage charade if we cannot model healthy and functional relationships to our children. They see through our facades and masks. Most importantly, the kind of relationship template we provide for our children has a lasting impact on their future choices. When they witness a marriage filled with love, respect, and effective communication, they are more likely to seek and cultivate those same qualities in their own relationships. But when they grow up in an environment of hostility, indifference, or unresolved conflict, they may struggle to break free from those patterns. When we know, we become better. Parenting is an ongoing journey of learning, unlearning and self-reflection.
When children see their parents making time for one another, prioritising their relationship, and showing affection, they internalise that love is an active choice that requires effort and dedication. Love is not just about grand gestures; it is demonstrated in daily life through patience, thoughtfulness, and unwavering support.
One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is a strong foundation for love and partnership. By being the models, they need, we set them on a path toward relationships that are not only enduring but also deeply enriching. We might just convince Gen-Z that love in a marriage is a possibility.