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Healthy and unhealthy insecurities in marriage
Keeping communication channels open and addressing any concerns of insecurity with our partners will help keep unhealthy insecurity at bay.
Did you read that story about the woes of *Chris, a husband who had listed Wife 1 and Wife 2 in his phone contacts? His wife noticed. She flipped. She went full on the wrath of a scorned black woman. Her brain, just like him, was striving to catch up with her mouth. She exhausted her twenty-thousand-word daily allowance and even used up his five-thousand-word count, but she was still not done. He finally managed to throw in a five-word sentence that averted an irretrievable disaster.
“It’s your other number, darling.”
“What?” Pause. “What?”
She grabbed the phone he extended. She did a double take as she scrunched her eyes and studied the numbers. “I don’t use that other number anymore.” Before he could reply, she continued, “Why would you save me as wife 1 and wife 2? Why not just save both my numbers as one?
He was still speechless. She was not. “And why save me just as Wife? Why not as Bae or darling?”
Now, maybe some men do have a penchant for courting trouble. You know, like those Nigerian movies where there is always a character whose main role is to walk around screaming, “I want problems!”
There is a healthy dosage of insecurity and jealousy – not envy - that a couple will encounter in the course of their relationship. They remind us to appreciate our partners and keep investing and engaging in the relationship.
Jealousy means we care and are concerned about losing our partner to another. We also know that outside these streets, there are people who will easily break what you two have built if one of you gives them even a small leeway. Even the Bible warns us to not give the Devil an opportunity.
There is, however, healthy and unhealthy insecurity. What do they look like?
Healthy insecurity allows open communication, which deepens your connection. We ask questions, we talk through concerns, we reassure each other, and we do not give our partner reason to feel overly insecure. Norah, married to a gentleman from a small Eastern European country says. “The kind of attention I attract from men when I enter a public gathering can make any man insecure. But we now laugh about it with Arvis.”
In the same manner, her husband gets stared at a lot when they hang out in public places while in Kenya. “We have an inside joke about it. We know others view us, as exotic beings while we are in each other’s respective countries.”
Healthy insecurity also motivates us to be better. We want to look our best and to be better, to work on ourselves, mentally, physically, and even spiritually, so we are better humans and spouses for our person.
Unhealthy insecurity will stifle communication and cause a total breakdown in communication and connection.
Irrational jealousy is a symptom of unhealthy insecurity. It is so dangerous that it soon turns into controlling and obsessive behaviours. They curtail their partner's movements, and engagements and in time, they even want to control what the other person is thinking and feeling. *Brenda, a colleague once said, “I don’t have breathing space. I feel suffocated and afraid of *James.” We thought her husband was being loving and romantic, accompanying her to the salon, where he would sit for hours reading a newspaper as he waited for her. He would drop her to our Chama meeting, then keep calling constantly if the meeting went past the one hour she had mentioned. Brenda could not make work trips or attend work or other functions, past the work hours.
Now, some partners have proven untrustworthy. A neighbour once told me that she would never employ a young house assistant. “I know Baba Kim.” This neighbour subjected herself to pulling detective moves that would impress the Directorate of Criminal Investigations (DCI), uncovering secret rendezvous and illicit affairs.
Sadly, even after all that effort, their marriage ended, because, infidelity is more about someone’s character and not about hemming them in, trying to make them faithful. No one can do that, as it is a personal decision. Keeping communication channels open and addressing any concerns of insecurity with our partners will help keep unhealthy insecurity at bay.