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What should I do about my fiance's messy sexual past?
If you don't find out how much people mess around sexually, you'll always be caught by surprise when their jealous exes emerge.
Am I being too harsh if I reject my girlfriend over her past? We're poised to get married in a year, but I'm stuck with recent developments. After we visited her home to announce our intentions, two of her exes emerged from the bushes to mock me. One trolled me on Facebook, claiming I was snatching his woman, and he sent screenshots of their intimate chats and even a photo. The other one works for the same company as me, and he started passing by my desk making snide comments. I know my fiancé did these things in the past, but I feel so angry and short-changed. I've been celibate with her, and I don't have that kind of past. I want to call things off. Will I be unfair?
There's nothing unfair about genuine feelings and personal preferences. Your girlfriend did those things herself, and she's the one to bear the consequences, not you. The moment a man or woman shows their nakedness to a person before marriage, they're taking huge risks and even giving this person the power to blow up their life.
It doesn't matter that this generation has trivialised sex and made it look like it's no big deal. Allow people to carry their crosses. If someone plans on getting married one day, the most sensible thing is to keep their body to themselves until then. In this era where people hate to see others move forward, anything is possible.
People can use your sensitive information as a weapon of manipulation or blackmail. One guy was walking along the street with his friends when a woman came from the opposite direction and announced to all and sundry that the man was 'impotent and useless in bed.'' She was his ex-girlfriend. He couldn't answer. The attack crashed him. He shared the story 10 years later when he had failed to approach a woman or get married.
Society makes it look normal to have physical intimacy with someone as long as you're in a relationship. But the truth is that mean and devilish people exist. Once they see you naked, you're exposed for a long time. There is an African proverb that says, once you steal with a boy, you'll stop crying when he dies.
To get into premarital sex with some people is to put one's life on the line. True, you may not know the person's potential for sabotage and mischief. But ignorance is no defence. Cows don't understand combustion, but if they step on fire, they'll get burnt. Life is rigid like that. If you violate the laws, you'll suffer the consequences even if you don't know the laws.
It's been said that the gatekeeper of marriage is men, and the gatekeeper of sex is women. That is, men lead marriage while women lead mating. In this sense, premarital sex tends to shame the woman more than the man. She's assumed to be the one who permits it.
This is why those men are mocking you, that you're marrying a woman with no morals. They participated in what she did themselves. So why do they point fingers at her for something they also participated in? It's because of this social bias. If illicit sex happens, the woman allows it. A woman sold herself short.
If you marry that woman, unscrupulous people can throw that fact at you. You're experiencing someone reaping the consequences of their behaviour. Your anger is justified, particularly because you conduct yourself differently. Many say they shouldn't be judged by their past, but consequences are a different story. They always follow one's choices.
When you mature in life, you realise that you never get away with anything. We may not get exposed for everything, but everything we do deposits something in us. It may reinforce a habit that will eventually get us exposed or have lower consequences of wasted time and missed opportunities. Either way, there's no such thing as a secret life. We can't hide from the consequences of our choices.
What should you do? I suggest you perform a mercy killing of this relationship. This is because you may end up transferring your anger towards this woman who has since reformed from that life you're angry about.
She wishes to open new chapters in her life and be seen in the light of who she is now and not who she used to be. It's only fair that when people try to change, we allow them. And if we can't stay with them without bringing back their past, the merciful thing is to let them go.
How will you explain your decision without appearing judgmental, especially if she never hid that she had a messy past? You simply say that you've been accosted by her former lovers, with whom she admits having crossed sexual boundaries inappropriately. By so doing, she gave them the arsenal to reappear in her life and ruin things. This is obvious to anyone, and you can't be called unreasonable for it.
Next, explain that you're unable to see her in the same special way. It is unbearably painful for a man when other men ridicule your choice of a woman, and they have evidence. She will find someone else who either won't encounter these malicious exes or won't mind them.
Carry this lesson that if you don't find out how much people mess around sexually, you'll always be caught by surprise when their jealous exes emerge to pour scorn on you.