Over the last half a decade, Kenya has witnessed an increased number of gender based violence cases, often with tragic ends. This has led to family breakups, with many questioning the validity and practicality of the institution of marriage. Allan Lawrence Mukhebi, a counselling psychologist, inspirational speaker, author, and certified relationship coach, says singlehood is not a lonely and empty life phase. He emphasises that single individuals can indeed live a fulfilling life.
Some people would rather adopt children and bring them up as their own, while others prefer pets. But can pets replace human value?
Pets help reduce loneliness and anxiety. They should not eliminate the need and place for real human connection. Pets can be so good, but they can’t fill the void. Your dog can give you purpose and keep you company, but it can’t challenge your ideas or laugh at your jokes. You can’t even have a deep heart-to-heart conversation with it.
Many African societies hold a negative view of single adults who are childless, and keep asking when they'll ever settle down...
Love is not a race. It is better to be a great, fulfilled single at 40 than to live a life full of regret at age 50. The society shouldn’t give anyone pressure, and you as a person shouldn't let anyone push a relationship down your throat. If they feel you are late, let them marry on your behalf. Late marriage is often healthier because self-aware individuals choose partners intentionally and wisely. Choose your peace over societal pressure, understanding that singleness at 40 is not failure, but staying in a wrong relationship is true failure.
There's a misconception that prolonged singlehood is a curse. Your take?
That's wrong. Singlehood should be seen as a prime season for one to pursue their purpose passionately. Never waste this season waiting on a partner. Instead, get busy with life. The most important thing is to use the time to heal from past traumas because marriage doesn’t heal those wounds. It magnifies them and reveals your true character.
Use this chance to discover your purpose and pursue it. A person who has discovered purpose is more than just a pretty face. Third, build healthy destiny relationships, as not everyone you date can stay committed. Be the change you want to experience while in your single era," he says.
But can singlehood be as fulfilling as a marriage?
I think fulfillment is not tied to marital status. Fulfillment is an inside job. It is about an individual finding their purpose and pursuing it. If you pursue purpose, you don’t need a status symbol to make you happy.
Wouldn’t you say singleness is among the red flags?
If you are done being single, it pays to check out red flags in the other partner before settling down as a couple. Any red flag ignored at the onset becomes the reality that you cannot tolerate in a marriage or a relationship. It is just like the snake that was ignored in the book of Genesis which became the disastrous dragon in the book of Revelation. Ignored red flags are actually heartbreaks in waiting.
Expound on this…
When someone is not consistent with their affection and communication, in that they blow hot and cold, that is a huge red flag. You deserve someone who is consistent in loving you, and that love should be mutual. Another red flag is when someone is not ready to take responsibility for their mistakes from previous relationships. It is a clear indicator that the person is not ready, and is still hurting. Hurt people hurt people.
How would you advise lovebirds on courting?
They should court with their eyes and minds open. They should give it time and not try to rush the process because if they do so they will eventually crash. They should take time to have deeper conversation to know each other even better. Let them cultivate the art of friendship even more than being partners as they will marry as friends. They need to know what they cannot tolerate or compromise. More importantly, they need clarity of what they want and what it takes so that they do not just plan for the wedding but plan for marriage.
Some people are experts in hiding their bad traits until it is too late, how do you handle such individuals?
If you are intentional while dating, you will notice the red flags even if the other person tries to hide them. If you pay attention, you will know their true character. Love is blind but intentional dating is an eye-opener. If you discover the realities, and I'm intentional on calling them realities in marriage not red flags. In marriage, it is never too late to walk away if it doesn’t serve you. It is way better to have a broken marriage than to be in that toxic marriage forever. No matter what that partner means to you, when you spot red flags are there, walk away.
Also, when it feels like you are the one putting in more effort and it is not reciprocated, when you feel you are not appreciated, drop it like it is hot, and without apologies. When a relationship drains and breaks you, quit with your dignity intact.
