Premium
Do you need to change your parenting style?
Nairobi-based child psychologist Esther Nthenya.
Esther Nthenya, a therapist, says she has seen the best outcomes emerge when parents integrate both warmth and structure when it comes to how they raise their children.
“This means being emotionally available while also providing firm boundaries. Discipline is not about punishment but about teaching. Effective discipline involves open communication, helping children reflect on their actions, understand consequences, and learn better choices. Setting consistent rules and calmly enforcing them fosters both respect and emotional security. The goal is to shape behaviour without damaging the child’s self-worth,” she says.
Gentle parenting, while nurturing, can sometimes veer into permissiveness if parents fear saying “no” or avoid setting boundaries. This can confuse children or lead to entitlement. On the flip side, tough love becomes harmful when it lacks empathy. Harshness, shouting, or physical punishment may lead to fear, rebellion, or emotional disconnection.
“As children enter adolescence, a transition in parenting style is critical. Teens need more guidance through reasoning and mutual respect. Communication becomes key. Rather than just telling them what to do, parents must engage their children in conversation, listen to their thoughts, and guide them through the increased responsibilities of this stage,” Ms Nthenya says.
So what are the warning signs that your parenting style needs to shift?
“Increased defiance, withdrawal, extreme mood swings, or low self-esteem in a child. These are red flags that a child may not feel emotionally safe or understood,” the therapist says.
Family values and past experiences—especially unresolved trauma—often shape parenting. For instance, a parent raised in a punitive environment may default to control, while another might overcompensate with permissiveness due to childhood neglect. Healing and self-awareness are essential for breaking these cycles.
“Ultimately, parenting is a journey of constant learning. There’s no perfect formula. The best we can do is reflect regularly, make adjustments, and strive toward empathy, consistency, and connection. Children thrive in environments where they feel seen, safe, and valued,” she adds.
Spending quality, undistracted time with children builds trust and enhances mental well-being.
“Celebrate their efforts, not just achievements, and teach that mistakes are part of growth. This approach fosters confidence, resilience, and healthy emotional development for life,” Ms Nthenya says.