A man gets a hat cut in a barber shop in Nairobi CBD.
There is a benefit to keeping wild, overgrown hair and an unkempt beard. I have discovered that monkeys, and even the more civilised cobras by the way, tend to respect hair. Monkeys, which, in general, treat women with annoying disrespect, take off on seeing a luxuriant goatee. The cobras keep a low profile in their holes and their hisses to a decorous minimum when there is an unkempt man abroad. But, untidy hair is not appropriate in all circumstances and since I had a visa appointment, I decided to go to the barber, after a full year.
The barber was a Gen-Z girl of tiny build. I have no problem getting hair service from a lady. As a matter of fact, this was the best haircut I have had in a long time. But Gen-Zs and ancestors have different ideas about hair. In general, Gen-Zs keep short hair, ancestors love some hair, if they can have it. My tiny barber had to walk up and down the building looking to borrow shaver gauges 5, 6 and 7, which she had clearly never used. Gauge zero is bald; one is a fuzz.
I have been thinking of growing fat, weedy Mau Mau dreads with corn rows in the national colours on the sides, to honour M’Ikiara Nyonta – Maj General Ruku was his nom de guerre – a relative who fought in the Second World War, was one of the founders of the Mau Mau and was killed in 1957. It is not every day that peasants take up arms against a mighty empire.
My consultant hairdresser upcountry has consistently refused to braid my hair, explaining, every time, that it was too short. I suspect the fellow thought dreadlocks were not appropriate for respectable fellow, but he is wrong. Dreads are my fate, if you cut me, I’d bleed them.
Unattractive and unfashionable
So I found myself in a barber shop, wondering, in quiet horror, which of the appliances arrayed in front of me, had freshly been extracted from the nose of a Thindigua farmer. I should have gone to the mall, I kept telling myself. Anyway, the Gen-Z chopped my long hair with respectful disdain and practised restraint, until we came to facial hair which she flatly would not clear in toto. Facial hair is “normal” these days, a mark of style, even.
A clean-shaven man is unattractive and unfashionable. I couldn’t imagine why anyone would want to be attractive or stylish, what’s wrong with just normal. So now I have ridiculous lumps of hair on my chin and a rather dashing Casanova hint of a moustache. I suppose even the cobras might proposition me, don’t be surprised if you see me around the market, accompanied by a snake-wife!
One more observation before I go to the politics. I like the head and shoulder massage after a haircut though one must be careful not to suffer abuse at the hands of an enthusiastic attendant. On this occasion, she was a big, muscular young lady, shaped like a pyramid. I prayed that she would not try to crack my neck, she could snap it like a twig.
The massage was, thankfully, short but every touch was painful, and I’m not necessarily a soft, old guy. But she was proper and conducted the procedure without drama, if in a rather off-hand and disinterested manner. I have gone for a year without setting foot in a salon. My last encounter was on the Northern Bypass and again I had that tendency of being shaved clean and a beard forced on me. But what caused me alarm was that one of the women, the one who had been elected by universal suffrage to wash and massage my head, changed from jeans and jacket, to a pair of hotpants and a small top. A salon, and this was a reasonably small one, involves a lot of bending and close proximity work. I debated whether to remain seated, eyes firmly shut, or streak out to the car, shouting for my spouse.
Racism in some salons
Eventually, by closing my eyes and thinking about the difficulties of farming, I lived through what was generally a disturbing touching session, which in my opinion, contributed to neither health nor luxury. But, Lord be praised, I walked away in one unsoiled piece.
There is racism in some salons. Staff prefer certain communities, maybe because they are good tippers or because they think they are “better”, which is a shame, really. Because the same staff would be treated rather poorly in certain bars and restaurants where staff suffer from an inferiority complex similar to theirs.
A session in the salon should not be just a necessity, but an opportunity to relax, be pampered and well treated. Very much like being admitted to hospital with a hernia is a chance to lean back and catch up on the reading, right?
One of those ridiculous fellows on social media who appears to read newspaper columnists with a biro, take a photo and post it on an “I’m pleased to share” preening social media platform recently described me as a “professional comedian”. This column is me bending over, dropping my middle-aged breeches and giving him a glorious editorial mooning.
On to more important, political matters, if there is no pushback following the coordinated arrest of opposition politicians and government critics, expect an exponential escalation. You will not be able to say anything about the ridiculous and comical excesses of this incompetent regime.
